Enloe on Traffic:

“So many of us are all too familiar with the horrible traffic that has come to the Atlanta Metro area. With so many ‘intelligent’ transplants harboring on our streets, it is no wonder someone hasn’t ended up in the psycho ward because of it. While some might wish to brandish a baseball bat against the oppressor and, in doing so, scattering their cerebellum across their pretty, lease vehicle, it just simple not an option in today’s world. While I would be more than happy to ‘go back to school to learn how to drive’, it is doubtful these omniscient beings would be willing to pick up the tab. After all, their credit cards are most likely maxed. But have no fear. The Force Arena Jedi has decided to dive into his secret bag of tricks and share some helpful hints with his dubious readers. Enjoy!”

Tim Enloe, January 2005, The Force Arena

ROAD RAGE ETIQUETTE; COURTESY OF SPRAWL

1a. The “Kind Preacher ” Approach. Ok. The situation is as follows: You have someone so far up your bumper, you feel as if they are pushing some type of alternative lifestyle on you. It is important to not react by applying pressure to the pedal that has been bestowed up you. Simply motion to Mr / Mrs Formula one to pull over to the side of the street. Once both autos have ceased, slowly get out the car. Make sure your appearance is clean. ( No lagging ties; bad hair, etc) As you approach the aggressor, wave to him with a very innocent fashion. As your challenger gears up for an argument, state the following. “Excuse me, kind sir. I am new to this area and was trying to find my mission; as I am a member of the Jehovah’s witnesses. Do you happen to know of the local of our temple?” At this point, they are at a loss. They were all geared up; adrenaline flowing and all ready to have at it. Now, what do they do. They quickly relax trying to conceal their stress. They will of course answer either “Yes” or “No.” As my faithful readers know, we could care less, as we have been concealing our buffalo gun. Then simply ask them “Sir / Ma’am, I believe that Jesus has brought us to one another. My name is ( Make up a silly holy name ) Jacob John. It is my duty to pull you away from your sins and open your heart to the Lord Jesus Christ our savior. Care to accompany me to my destination?” By this time, the party in question has either speed off with the hopes of getting away, felt guilty as Hell for the went against a person of the cloth, or give you a find dose of bathroom language and then speed off. Success rate of this approach is not EXCELLENT, but VERY HIGH.

1b. The “Angry Preacher ” Approach. This suggestion incorporates the same scenario as relayed in “1a” The Kind Preacher Approach. However, this time a unique accessory is needed; a Bible. As you come to the door of the driver; ask that they roll down their window; (They might or might not.) Once you know you have their attention, pull the Good Book from the shadows of your jacket and take aim. Look at them an state a very evangelical fashion while holding the accessory above your head: “DEAR LORD; WHAT WE HAVE BEFORE US TODAY IS A SINNER! A SINNER IN THE PUREST FORM! SATAN HAS COME TO THIS INNOCENTS SOUL AND SET UP HOUSE!” ( It is likely they will try and pull away; keep close to the vehicle as the last thing this person needs is a police report stating that they ran over a disciple of God) You continue with your rant even though he will attempt to rebuke your blessed approach: “THIS PERSON’S SOUL MUST BE CAST DOWN TO THE ENTERNAL FIRES OF HELL AND DAMNATION! HE MUST BE CLEANSED, DEAR LORD; SO THAT HE MAY REPENT AGAINST THE DESIRE OF FORNICATION, MATERIALISM; AND LIES! IN JESUS NAME, WE PRAY FOR YOUR KIND HAND TO REMEDY THIS HORRIFIC SITUATION!” As we all know, the party in question is long gone. While the success rate of this approach is rated as GOOD; the humility factor is considered HIGH.

2. The “Lost Foreigner” Approach. As we all know, we have more foreigners in this country today that can’t speak an ounce of English than ever before. However, this unfortunate fact can be used to your advantage here. As you see their window come down while speeding by; you are expecting the worst. As their auditory comments begin to launch; simply say: “Please sir; no speak English. Jabo Jabo Jabo.” They will give you a wonderful sign of humanity along with some left over compliments and speed off. Unfortunately, we are unaware of how the party reacted so it is very difficult to gage the success rate. However, suffice to say that they are now not only mad at you because of your driving; they also hate you because you are a foreigner who can’t speak the language. Points are received here due to the applied influx of STRESS which has a bonus rate of EXCELLENT.

3. The “Sign Language” Approach. Ok. Here is the set up this go around. You have someone motioning to you to move on. Answer them, but in sign language. It makes no difference if you are educated in this realm or not. Odds are they aren’t either. Should you have a chance to stop and speak with the aggressor, rapidly move your hands as if utilizing this wonderful form of communication, but also add some unclear auditory sounds as well like this “Wheyrutweting me dswhee? Ife a disbwlty! Eyemnoweetoddit!” Translation - “Why are you treating me this way? I have a disability. I am not retarded!” Odds are that if your challenger is a woman, she will feel guilty as Hell and might even debate about apologizing. The success rate here considered VERY HIGH.

4. The “This is my back” Approach. Ok, while this one might have a similar air to 3. The Sign Language Approach, the relay differs substantially. It is very important that the following occur in order to garner an EXCELLENT rating; first you must be able to speak with the challenger with both vehicles stopped. Second you must have some Elmer ’s glue readily available. Before the initial introduction, take some of the glue and squirt it right below your nostrils. It is very important that it has not solidified. Also, pull half of your shirt out of your pants to offer an unkept look. As you make your way to their vehicle, walk in a very slow ticking fashion. One leg needs to be in tow; dragging the ground. Once meetings have occurred, state in a forrest gump manner - My mommy is letting me be in the Olympics! I run really fast! Watch! - Slowly walk away for a few feet in a quicker fashion than originally given and state - This is my back! That is all your gonna see as I run down the track! - Finally, it is time to slay the dragon. Turn back to them and ask “Can I have some money to help me win my trophy?” The oppressive driver will be at a loss. Most cannot beat up a retarded person. Imagine what that old police report would say! Suffice to say, you will be awarded an EXCELLENT rating. Should you even make some capital with this method, you have graduated to the PERFECT level.

In closing, please utilize these approaches as you deem necessary. While it would be great to end these oppressor’s miserable existence with a simply bullet, it unfortunately is not an option in today’s sensitive world. This, my fellow Jedi, is the next best thing.